Yesterday Sunday August 26, 2018 was an eventful day, as Thatcher publicly met with a couple, who has hand on experience in marriage life, the good, the bad and the ugly side.
We initially invited a couple among the many who inbox us, and who had shared their success love stories with us, which shall be publishing subsequently. Unfortunately, guest couple got news that his brother what been shot in the ongoing Anglophone crisis, and had to travel immediately.
We quickly worked out a plan B, and had a divorcee lady, and man who has been in marriage for 20 years and counting.
The main topic of yesterday was on ‘CHEATING’. Who cheats often? how, why, and how they manage to balance the effective management of their homes, with the many side chicks they keep outside.
The man Mr. Moluh, who is a Senior Police Superintendent started by asking me to define what I meant by cheating.
In a more practical reply, I told him “Cheating is when one partner in a relationship, gets involved in extra marital affairs”.
Uncle Moluh laughed and said we are mixing up things. He said people are mystifying cheating, and making a big deal out of it, whereas at times it is a fictional thought created by the alleged victim partner, which transforms into a reality.
To him, he has been married for 20 years with 5 kids, and his wife is the BEST GIFT God gave him, and has never caught him in the act because of what he called ‘BLIND and DEAF TRUST’ she has for him.
He said he is aware that his wife trusts him, and as such, does everything to make sure that he builds that trust firmly, by performing all his obligations towards her and their children and the family at large.
He further went ahead to say most women are even the cause why their men cheat on them, because they suspects the man at every given moment, and say things that the man is not doing, which most men hate.
To prove that masculine ego, which is doing that which he is are falsely accuse, the man goes out there, and gets involved in relationships unprepared, just to let the woman know that the fact that he is not doing, doesn’t mean he can’t do it. He doesn’t do it out of the respect and FIDELITY COMMITMENT he owes you, which he can violate at any time.
He gave a true life example one of his colleagues Serge, who had a female school mate Miranda, with whom he had shared everything except sex for decades, and who always visited his home and family, though she is still single.
Serge’s wife at one point became uncomfortable with the casual relationship, and began creating a fictional idea that her husband and his so-called childhood friend were both having some carnal relationship, while hiding under the pretext of ‘good friends’. She started accusing her husband, and the day he goes home late from work, she fights him that he was with Miranda.
She went to the extent of attacking Miranda, when she came to their house to visit her after childbirth. Miranda had brought a basket of food and other goodies for baby and mummy. But aunty madam changed, and told her she had brought poisoned food for her (Madam) to eat and die for her Miranda to take over her home, and that her plans will not work.
My guest continued that Miranda had been more than a sister to Madam and Uncle Serge. She had solved their issues countless times, and Madam even spends weekends with her. It was a genuine harmless relationship.
Madam threw Miranda and the basket of food out of her house, against her husband’s candid pleas.
As if that was not enough, she went the next day to the Commissariat where her husband was working with Miranda, and went straight to the Commissioner’s office, and falsely accused Miranda of breaking her home and that gave all sorts of false allegations. She even created a scene there, when she met Miranda at the counter, and because of the scandal, the Commissioner had to transfer Officier Miranda to another Police station.
Her husband got angry, left the house, and went after Miranda to console her. From his constant visits to wipe her tear, he actually started developing feelings for her. One thing led to the other and they started dating till date. They had been school mates. They knew who each other was dating. She attended his wedding. She became friend to the wife and shared most of her joys and sorrows with her. For 15 years that Miranda and Serge were friends, none of them ever looked at the other with lust.
Serge was even the one men went to, when they wanted to toast Miranda. They were like brothers and sisters. All of a sudden aunty created an illusion in her head, and that her fiction transformed into jealousy, and she did the unexpected that hurt the intimacy of innocent persons, who in the course of healing their hurts got closer, and did what they had not thought of doing for years.
My guest said aunty madam started apologizing to both Uncle Serge and Miranda, when she had finally understood that they were just BEST OF FRIENDS, but it was already too late. Uncle had fallen in love with Miranda, and they both were now doing things openly. Till date Aunty Madam has accepted the relationship, and they now share days to spend with Uncle Serge.
My guest said women do things ignorantly that cost their homes, and then they start blaming their men y feeling victimized. Maybe Serge and Miranda were eyeing each other amorously, denied themselves the opportunity of getting together but Madam’s action triggered everything, and now they are official mbanyas(mates).
To my guest, cheating is not all about having side chicks. He considers a man a cheat, when he takes the affections and attention meant for his wife and home, and gives it out. He says a man who neglects his wife’s physical, emotional, and psychological and a moral need is the one he calls a cheat. But when a man prioritizes his home, is there whenever he is needed in all aspects, even if he has an Agatha, the man is not a cheat.
He says: “Most of the time, when we cheat, it is not because we don’t love our wives. Not at all. At times my wife gets busy so much so that when I want to feel her at night, she pushes me away, not because she has had it outside, but because she has probably overworked herself with heavy office duties. I don’t abandon her in bed and go out immediately. I control myself, I understand she needs rest, and that can happen for the next two or three weeks. Because I know making love to a woman when she doesn’t want it is disrespectful, I behave myself, and sneak out of work or on weekends to go and see my mistress I let her know that I am there to spend time and have sex. I make sure I also help her once in a while if I can, without letting the relationship affect my home. I also make sure my body is ready to satisfy my wife when she needs me, that is why I make sure I go home immediately after work, or leave office earlier to attend to the needs of my concubine, and rush home, so that when madam comes knocking at 9 p.m., I must have regained every I lost outside and satisfy her to the best of my ability.’
She TRUSTS me. I am always there for her. I don’t give her room to suspect me. I stay in Bonaberi, and if I want to keep a concubine, I will look for a lady far from my neighbourhood. The first I let her know is that I am married, and just wish to have fun with her. That way she has the right to accept, without hoping anything from me. I don’t discuss my wife with her. Whenever my wife calls and I am with her, I answer my wife freely, and if my wife needs my attention, I immediately run to to her, because she is my priority.
Because of my respect, availability, attention and affection I give at home for 20 years now, you will never see my wife trying to eavesdropping my conversations, or tiptoeing behind me. NEVER. I let her answers my phone, and if it is a man or woman calling she is polite. Tell me am I cheating on her”.
We are Africans and African women should know that if you treat your man well, even if he goes out, you are his center of attraction. A woman cannot control a man. Honestly, the men who are home on time are the most dangerous. Those who keep late, are the serious ones, because a man cannot leave his side chick to rush home at 2 a.m. What is the difference between that and just sleeping at her place and come home at broad daylight?
We are Africans, and we shouldn’t try to fake things we know cannot work. God was not a fool to create man before woman. When a woman is submissive, irrespective of her rank in the society, she always keeps her home her priority. She does not go digging about the man behind his back. She should TRUSTS him, and put it in her head that he is hers and whether he goes out or not, she should believe him.
Most women are fortunate to have bigger jobs than their men, and they inverse the rules of the house. She forgets her responsibilities, go about hiring maid, and because she knows there are maids, she totally abandons the man and makes him a woman. No man can ever accept a woman to controls him because she is financially stronger than him.
That is why you see most of those big ladies in the society end up being single, or second or even fifth wife, because she could not submit as a wife and mother when she was young and strong. She thought money, could buy her everything including time and that thought transforms her in wanting to become the man. She comes home when she wants, at times some of them even start sleeping in different rooms, does not involve the man in any planning, wants to do everything to humiliate the man, and when the man gets tired, he kicks her out, or moves out and leaves her to herself. At the end, when age comes knocking, she starts begging and even accepting to become second or third wife.
Relationship is all about TRUST and UNDERSTANDING. Take your place as a woman, and I take my place of the man”. Wow wow wow. That was Mr. Moluh talking.
At one point, I asked if it has ever occurred to him that his wife might have a Johnny, servicing her, and when she gets home, she neglects his bed needs, and he said: “I TRUST her the way she TRUSTS me. I never get to hallucinate, because I don’t want it to transform into reality. The moment I start thinking negatively about my wife, asking questions on whether she cheats or not, I put myself in a serious dilemma. It will make me to start questioning her every actions and move, even when they are genuine, and believe me, when your partner discovers you doubt him/her the real crisis marital starts. So to remain the happy man I am since I got married to my wife, I hang on the TRUST I have for her and that trust keeps me going and makes us happy”.
In conclusion, Mr. Moluh was trying to say that CHEATING should not be the reason why couples should strain themselves to the extent of talking of divorcing. Cheating depends on how you do it. When your partner starts complaining that he or she is not getting the attention or affection due to them, they start digging of why the change, and end up losing trust in you.
Any man who gives more attention and affection to an Agatha than that, which he gives at home, puts himself in trouble. But a man who makes his home his priority, by giving ALL his affection and attention, will not have any more left to give outside when he goes for fun(that is if he must go). When an Agatha feels used because that is what you do that time, she sees no reason to keep you, and will kick you out, and you will be left with no option than going back where your happiness lies which is your home, and then you start asking yourself, what did I even go there to do?
To be continued……
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